Dear Sir Leaks-a-lot,
I would like to take this opportunity to thank you for sharing the contents of your bladder with me and my hallway. Incontinence is a very serious issue, that until today had escaped my much deserved attention, but your vigilant nocturnal action has put your poignant sorrow front and centre.
Being sympathetic to your problem, I understand your desperate cry for help. However, I must object to your method. You see powerful as that statement was, it was also quite unhygienic and an unpleasant discovery for me. And I feel I am forced to halt your activism at this moment, in fear of having my front door smeared with feces, as I suspect you might also be suffering from severe poopie pantsitis.
Since a cure for these afflictions is yet to be found, I would like to bestow some relief upon you. In lieu of providing you with adult daipers (let's face it, those things only remind you of your misery in a very uncomfortable and -dare I say it- unsexy manner), I declare a pox on you, hopefully resulting in your swift demise and putting an end to your suffering.
Yours in dry dreams,