Thursday, 20 November 2008

Top 5 hospital horror stories

Let's face it, being a doctor is gross! I have a lot of doctor friends and therefore hear a lot of hospital-related stories. Like the other day, when one of my friends kindly informed me that she had professionally ass-fingered at least two of the people in the bar we were at. So in honour of their hard work and cruel jokes at the expense of their patients (which I thorougly enjoy by the way),
here's my top 5 hospital horror stories:

5. When doing an internship at the maternity ward, one of my friends learned of a baby that had been scarred for life. Because her twatwaffle parents couldn't decide on naming her Priscilla or Tiffany (both real winners if you ask me), they named the poor thing Prisciffany instead! To be fair this is not technically a horror story, but I find the knowledge that people like this exist in large numbers sufficiently frightening.

4. What is a hospital horror story list without the mandatory 'mystery object in da butt' contribution? I've heard of many strange finds in the rectal cavity ranging from cucumbers, to beer bottles, to cell phones, to toys (the kind actual kids are supposed to play with). You name it and it has undoubtedly been inserted in some dude's backside at one point or another. The best part is usually the patient's explanation of how it got there. "Well doctor, I was walking in the supermarket produce section when I slipped and fell on the zucchini..." Yeah right! One unlucky bastard was actually brave enough to confess that he had voluntarily put a vibrator up himself, but in the throws of passion he apparently fell out of bed and onto his bedside table, pushing the vibrator in deep beyond his reach. Because the thing was moving so much, the doctors had to wait for the batteries to run out before they could extract it, but by that time he had perforated his colon and had to undergo extensive surgery.

3. This one is kind of sad. A demented and seriously neglected old lady came into the hospital with a variety of ailments, but when she took off her clothes she actually made on of the doctors throw up (after he had excused himself of course). Her bra had grown into her skin, because she hadn't taken it off in over a decade, and she wore another one over it (for support I guess). But the worst part was in her panties, where she kept an onion to keep the maggots from falling out...

2. The next one is truly horrific and by all accounts not a fair example of the state of Dutch health care. When working in the OR, my ex-boyfriend suddenly got evacuated when a fire was discovered in a neighbouring operating room. As it turned out, a leaking oxygen bottle had caused a huge fire during an operation. The staff was forced to exit and seal the room to prevent more casualties, leaving the patient to be burnt alive on the operating table.

1. The story that works best at parties is this one: On a random saturday night a young couple enters the ER. They are both very upset and unwilling to look at eachother. They both have several deep lacerations, but the girl has them on her head, whilst the guy has them on his penis. After they've both been treated, the doctor summons them into an examination room to explain what happened. Reluctantly they start to tell the story of how, during a romantic dinner, things got a little hot and heavy, and the girl decided to crawl under the table in order to orally pleasure her boyfriend. During fellatio she has an epilectic seizure, causing her jaws to lock and her to bite down on his penis. In a state of agony and panic the boy grabs a fork from the table, and starts ramming it into his girlfriend's head in a desperate attempt to make her let go. Suffice to say it was probably the most traumatic three minutes of both of their lives...

I wonder if they are still together?


Anonymous said...

Thansk for making me afraid of blowjobs now!

Pants said...

I'm terribly sorry my anonymous friend, but they are called horror stories for a reason...

Djeepiggy said...

Dear gods!

The onion-stoppered maggot vagina, the flesh-bra bra, the patient barbecue, and the orally mutilating sex: which one of you will follow me in my nightmares tonight?

Goddammit I have to take these horror story warnings more seriously!


Anonymous said...

I looked up the Dutch OR story, and the woman was conscious at the time -- the operation was under local anaesthetic. However, she was tied down to the table per hospital procedure. That is seriously, seriously scary/awful.

Pants said...

Yep, it was pretty horrible allright. They closed down the OR in tha hospital for a while after that incident, it caused quite a stir (and rightfully so

Anonymous said...

I was assaulted by nurses at the Ann Arbor, Mi VA hospital recovery room:

After I came out of heart bypass surgery while regaining consciousness from the anesthetic, I experienced a severe paranoid panic reaction to the anesthetic. I thought everyone was out to kill me!

I don't know what it was that I did or said to the nurses in my confused state, but I am sure it could not hve been as bad as asking them if they took their nurses training at Buchenwald !

Whatever it was I said, the nurses took mwords too seriously! They immobilized my hands with restraining gloves, tied the gloves to the side rails and keeping me immobilized for TWO DAYS - far beyond the time I recovered from the effects of the anesthetic.

They then closed my room door and for TWO DAYS they refused to look in on me and do their job of monitoring my I.V. intake, my urine output and pain medication.

Looking back at how I was treated. I may have been right about Buchenwald or some more current place of nurses training, like N. Korea !

For a whole day, I called for a nurse to bring me a urinal since I sensed that in my previous confused state I had kicked off my condom catheter. My pleas for assistance went unanswered util I finally had to flood my bed. When two nurses finally came into the room, I could see that they were not at all happy about the mop up job I had left for them.

Contraryto doctr's written orders which read:"Do not turn patient more than 30 degrees in either direction" the nurses turned me over 90 degrees to mop up my bed. With my hands strapped to the bed rails this stretched my sternum sutures to an intolerable level. The pain was the worst I ever experienced in my life. As a resut, my sternum has never refused back together and today I experience mild to severe pain from my sternum halves rubbing together.

Finally, before being released from the hospital , a patient "advocate" came to me and asked,"Is there any reason you might consider returning to this hospital and attacking any of our staff?" I replied that ''I am not a violent person, but at the time, had I not been restrained- I would certainly have taken physical action against those nurses who were torturing me.''

Now wonder why tht hospital advocate would have asked me that question if she didn't know I had been abused. She certainly would not have asked that question if they had not had patients in the past who felt they had a "score to settle" due to having been assaulted in that recovery department.

I am posting all over the internet because I believe I am due an explanation and APOLOGY and because I do not want others to recsive this kindof treatment in the future at the Ann Arbor V.A hospital or any other hospital

Michael Corman