Wednesday, 31 December 2008

A design for life


Yeah I'm still here, not to worry. I gave myself the best Christmas present ever this year, which was permission to do whatever the hell I felt like for a few days and nothing else. For the last week or so I have given in to my every impulse, be it nutricious, alcoholic, carnal or cinematic and I must say I feel fantastic! A little gluttonous perhaps, but very relaxed and generally happy eating pizza, watching shitty movies and rolling around in my own filth with fellow deviants and their cats.

But tomorrow a new dawn will break and the year 2009 shall commence. Let's make this the year I finally get my shit together! Here are my new year's resolutions:
  1. Get a proper grown-up job that doesn't make me miserable and enables me to finally transcend my student-like lifestyle

  2. Grow the hell up and do some of the stuff that all my more mature and successful friends are doing, because it seems to work for them

  3. Become immune to advances from very hot but ultimately douchey little boys

  4. Write more and make sure that people actually get to read it for a change

  5. Become a morning person

  6. Figure out a way to scrape some money together and start travelling again

  7. Make a list of all the stuff I always wanted to do, pick three of these things and actively try to make them happen

Please keep reading to see if I can keep these resolutions. I´m very happy that this experiment is turning out so well and I´ll try my damndest to get better. Even though I still sometimes feel like a daft git posting the contents of my confused little brain online (in my second language, which I still find a challenge because Dutch humour does NOT translate well at all), I am very thankful for your visits, comments and emails. Have a fantastic 2009 everyone and remember to bleed that sucker for all she´s worth, because when that ACME anvil suddenly drops from the sky, you don´t want the film that flashes before your eyes to be boring!

Thursday, 25 December 2008

Muppets are the new black

It's Christmas day and I am still in a ridiculously good mood. I had a great time last night and was miraculously spared a hangover thanks to my parent's expensive taste in wine. Dinner preparations for tonight's feast are in full swing now, and my dad and I are entertaining ourselves by mercilessly teasing my grandfather who is (temporarily) in a wheelchair and daring him to do wheelies in our living room (mockery is my family's healthy antidote against self pity).

Just in case your Christmas bites big wind, here are two of my favourite things in one video; R.E.M. and Muppets, with "Furry Happy Monsters".

Wednesday, 24 December 2008

How to be gorgeous

I warned you about the warm and fuzzy! Get ready to bask in the glory and eloquence of the cuddliest man alive, Stephen Fry!



My Christmas wish for you is for everything to be gorgeous and high and true and fine and fluffy and moist and sticky and lovely!

Tuesday, 23 December 2008

MONSTRA MIHI PECUNIAM


I'm taking a very short break from my Christmas glee to share with you a very eloquent article by Arianne Huffington on the origins of the current economic crisis and the state of global capitalism, where she explains why the so-called free market economy can't possibly heal itself. A quick quote:
"Wall Street got drunk," he says (G.W. Bush). Maybe so, but who made the last 8 years Happy Hour, and kept serving up the drinks?"

Well said indeed! It is a strange thing to watch conservatives all over the world defend a system that has clearly failed. Communism didn't work because people need incentive to push themselves, because completely leveling the playing field apparently robs people of their ambitions. But to make the whole game about that proverbial carrot on a stick is equally ludicrous. First of all, a completely free market does not exist. All governing bodies try to influence economic relations to some extent by taxing or subsidizing trade to their own benefit, thereby falsifying competition.

But secondly and more importantly, the whole theoretic construction behind free market capitalism is flawed. Huge profits can only be made based on exploitation. Big companies rely on corrupt governments to sell them their natural resources for peanuts, ensuring enormous turnovers and at the same time strengthening regimes that have to rely on mililtary force to remain in power. The current crisis may not be a direct result of these specific actions (because those victims live in countries that no-one gives a shit about anyway), but it's that same greed and focus on profit above all else that made our bankers take the risks that got us into this mess.

Gesundheit!


The Santa myth isn't really such a big thing over here, since we already have "Sinterklaas" on December 5th (a complicated story which I will share another time, I promise). As such, we don't see a lot of elves on display, which is a shame because they can be pretty cute (or annoying, depending on which Christmas movie you watch). Anyhoodle, Steve over at "The Sneeze" has listed these creatures' five super powers here. Check it out for some sweet Christmas giggles.

Monday, 22 December 2008

The Sappy Express


Something weird is going on. I've never been a very christmassy type of person. I HATE the rabid buy-crazy masses that flood the city throughout December. I don't particularly enjoy stuffing my face until I slip into a food induced coma, or explode from sheer gluttony, whichever comes first. And Christmas carols? That would be my Guantanamo torture music...

But somehow, this year, I find myself suffering from a severe case of the seasonal merries and looking forward to an old fashioned Christmas with family and friends. Maybe it's because it has been a while. Two years ago my family had the shittiest Christmas ever and last year I was making merry on a South African beach in a bikini, which was admittedly fantastic, but didn't really feel like Noël.

So now suddenly fake snow and tacky lighting are able to make me smile. I really look forward to spending quality time with my loved ones, cooking, drinking and yes overeating together. So be prepared for a short vacation from the usual misanthropy and bitchiness, because this week I'm all about the warm and fuzzy. And also the delicious because it looks like I'll be cooking my ass off and might be willing to share.

Friday, 19 December 2008

I spit on your shoe!

Whatever! I think that Muntadar al-Zaidi dude is a total pussy. He didn't even hit Bush and then had to walk home barefoot. What kind of weak-ass statement was that?

I would have used my bra as a slingshot and at least popped his eye out!

Wednesday, 17 December 2008

Homosexuality against nature, MY ASS!!!

I pretty much figured this week couldn't get any better when "swaffelen" (the Dutch verb for dickslap in the face - yes, only the Dutch would invent a verb for such an action) became word of the year 2008 on tuesday, and I scored a major interview for a potentially AWESOME job at the Green Party today, but then I read this!
*slow clap and approving head nod*
Gay penguins...
Gay penguins who are parents...
Gay penguins who are better parents than heterosexual penguins...

Squee!

I'm sorry but isn't that just a wonderfully fat middle finger in the face of deluded figures who live under the mistaken impression that there is anything wrong or unnatural about being gay. Like this crap. Oh the irony! Seriously, there is nothing I enjoy more than stupid people being proven wrong by science, nature, or GAY PENGUINS! I can't stop saying it, it's just too freaking hilarious!
So there you have it. Reason number 72.693.639.078 why proposition 8 is a criminal injustice that must be overturned ASAP!
Gay penguins... They're here, they're queer, get used to it!

Tuesday, 16 December 2008

How not to do it

Proving the abstinence movement is full of shit, here are Fry, Laurie, French and Atkinson, demonstrating safe sex.

Monday, 15 December 2008

The future is now!


I was watching Top Gear last night and it seems they've finally pulled it off. Honda have made a hydrogen fueled car that actually works.
"The fuel cell combines hydrogen with oxygen to make electricity. The electricity then powers the electric motor, which in turn propels the vehicle. Water is the only byproduct the FCX Clarity leaves behind."
It may not be very good looking, but the thing isn't butt ugly either, and since it (hopefully) represents the future, there's definitely no shame in being seen in one. The lovely Jamie Lee Curtis (yet another reason why this lady is hot shit) is front runner in this operation, so if the DiCaprio's and Jolie-Pitts could follow suit that would be great, because then it won't be long before affordable (and newer, less ugly) models will be available to us mere mortals. We have to start somewhere people! Apparantly it's at the Honda dealer, who'd have thunk it?

Geef mij nu je angst (Give me your fear now)


My life in music!

Pajiba eloquents Jeremy and Sofia have recently posted this little game on their blogs and it looked like so much fun that I've decided to join in and put my faith in the awesome powers of shuffle.
Here's how it works:


1. Put your music on shuffle.
2. For each question, press the next button to get your answer.
3. YOU MUST WRITE THAT SONG NAME DOWN NO MATTER HOW SILLY IT SOUNDS!

1) IF SOMEONE SAYS "IS THIS OKAY" YOU SAY?
Jump! Jump! - I guess if I were in a particularly evil mood it's a possibility.

2) WHAT WOULD BEST DESCRIBE YOUR PERSONALITY?
The end is the beginning is the end - And we're off to an excellent start! I don't know what the BLEEP that is supposed to mean but it can't be good.

3) WHAT DO YOU LIKE IN A GUY?
Tree little pigs - That doesn't sound quite right. Not the little part anyway...

4) HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
Like a prayer - Replace "a prayer" with "I've been trampled by a herd of mad cows" and you might be getting close.

5) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE'S PURPOSE?
I like what you say - So my life's purpose is brown-nosing?

6) WHAT IS YOUR MOTTO?
Pissing in the wind - Damned skippy!

7) WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
Plush - Like a muppet? I could live with that.

8) WHAT DO YOU THINK ABOUT VERY OFTEN?
Hate this and I’ll love you - Qué?

9) WHAT IS 2+2?
Olivers army - Yeah I got nothing...

10) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR BEST FRIEND?
Kids with guns - She does tend to shoot her mouth off. Ha!

11) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
Foundations - I do like 'em grounded.

12) WHAT IS YOUR LIFE STORY?
Miss world - HAHAHA! Shuffle are you high?

13) WHAT DO YOU WANT TO BE WHEN YOU GROW UP?
Stuck in the middle with you - That's actually a great line! Now for someone to try it on...

14) WHAT DO YOU THINK WHEN YOU SEE THE PERSON YOU LIKE?
I want more - Makes sense.

15) WHAT DO YOUR PARENTS THINK OF YOU?
Broad Daylight - Is that good?

16)WHAT WILL YOU DANCE TO AT YOUR WEDDING?
Schism - Tool, the ultimate wedding band.

17) WHAT WILL THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
Zeg me dat het niet zo is (Say it isn’t so) - Because it's just no fun without the Pants!

18) WHAT IS YOUR HOBBY/INTEREST?
Underneath your clothes - Cheeky!

19) WHAT IS YOUR BIGGEST SECRET?
Valerie - Fine! I love Amy Winehouse. I don't care that she's a foul mouthed, drugged up, out of control skank. She has more talent in her emaciated pinky than Miley Cyrus, her dad and their inevitable inbread offspring combined and I really hope she can pull herself together.

20) WHAT DO YOU THINK OF YOUR FRIENDS?
High and Dry - They do pretty well for themselves and I'm very proud of them.

21) WHAT'S THE WORST THING THAT COULD HAPPEN?
Muhammed Ali - Parkinson's sucks!

22) HOW WILL YOU DIE?
Awful - Anvil on the head right? I knew it!

23) WHAT IS THE ONE THING YOU REGRET?
Everlong - As in always procrastinating and losing out perhaps?

24) WHAT MAKES YOU LAUGH?
Hungry like the wolf - Eighties hairstyles and outfits do crack me up. Have you seen that video?

25) WHAT MAKES YOU CRY?
Ex-girlfriend - Not anymore it doesn't!

26) WILL YOU EVER GET MARRIED?
Coming in from the cold - So, yes?

27) WHAT SCARES YOU THE MOST?
Spectacle - Indeed, except when it entertains me.

28) DOES ANYONE LIKE YOU?
Amerika - Why thank you, you're pretty aces yourselves!

29) IF YOU COULD GO BACK IN TIME, WHAT WOULD YOU CHANGE?
Blauw (Blue) - I would keep the smurfs but perhaps rethink that blue streak in my hair at fourteen.

30) WHAT HURTS RIGHT NOW?
Me and my monkey - Yeah monkey, get off my back!

31) WHAT WILL YOU POST THIS AS?
Geef mij nu je angst (Give me your fear now) - It wasn't that scary actually.

32) HOW DOES THE WORLD SEE YOU?
Praise you - Score!

33)WILL I HAVE A HAPPY LIFE?
Letting the cables sleep - ...

34)WHAT DO MY FRIENDS REALLY THINK OF ME?
Evil ways - Nuh uh, I'm a marsmellow, a twinkie!

35) DO PEOPLE SECRETLY LUST AFTER ME?
Tell me in the morning - After I've had my wicked way with them?

36) HOW CAN I MAKE MYSELF HAPPY?
Voodoo people - Won't that mess up my karma?

37)WHAT SHOULD I DO WITH MY LIFE?
Push it - Shut up! I'm working on it...

38) WILL I EVER HAVE CHILDREN?
Wat wil je doen (What do you wanna do) - Well I don't know, that's why I asked you stupid. Djeez!

39) WHAT IS SOME GOOD ADVICE FOR ME?
Going to the run - Where the hell is that supposed to be?

40) HOW WILL I BE REMEMBERED?
Unknown - There goes my legacy...

41) WHAT IS MY SIGNATURE DANCING SONG?
Falling in Love - Old school Aerosmith, excellent!

42)WHAT DO I THINK IS MY CURRENT SIGNATURE SONG?
Cigaretts and alcohol - Minus the cigarettes.

43) WHAT DOES EVERYONE THINK MY SONG IS?
Another one bites the dust - That'll do pig, that'll do.

44) WHAT TYPE OF MEN DO YOU LIKE?
Jeremy - WTF, how did this happen?

45) WHAT IS MY DAY GOING TO BE LIKE?
Guitar - Well, I'm off to bed now but I would love to start my monday morning with a great Prince song!

Friday, 12 December 2008

Friday fuzzy folly

God I love the muppets, and Beethoven, and fridays. Enjoy!

Where I'd rather be

My favourite asthmatics in the world, here are "Weezer" with "Island in the Sun". (apologies for the gritty sound quality)

Friday conundrum

It's not exactly news that things are bad in Zimbabwe at the moment. People are dying from hunger or disease and all help is refused at the border because Mugabe fears he'll be removed from power under the guise of humanitarian aid. The land reform legislation (forcing all but a few white farmers off their land) has made sure that the food production has grinded to a screaching halt. Originally intended to even the economic imbalance that was (among other things) the result of apartheid rule, these controversial measures brought famine and disease back to Zimbabwe, where an ever more delusional dictator refuses to let go of the reins.

As we speak the Cholera epidemic is quickly spiraling out of control and the call for action is becoming louder with every cry. Since it is highly unlikely that Robert Mugabe will resign (he is an old school despot, who is empire of his own imaginary world where problems will disappear if you just denounce them, cover your ears and scream;"LALALA SHUT UP LALALA I DON'T WANT TO HEAR IT LALALA" at the top of your lungs. And maybe shoot bearers of bad news in the face), the inevitable"I" word has come up, "intervention".

The international community is stuck between a rock and a hard place. Past experiences with interventions have been messy at best, but since the Rwandan egg is still on our collective faces we can hardly stand idly by. There is no doubt that Robert Mugabe is a loathsome and evil wretch who is running Zimbabwe into the ground, but what (realistically) are our options as outsiders?
  • Scenario one: we send in troops to remove him from office and put Morgan Tsvangirai (the opposition leader who presumably should have won the recent and higly suspect "democratic" elections) in charge.

  • Scenario two: we take him out plain and simple. Just pay some sleazy hitman a few bucks, put a bullet in his head and never speak of it again. The Russians can probably help with this option...

  • Scenario three: we do nothing. I mean, we apply political pressure and try to persuade him to resign (same thing really).
Since all three options have a reasonable expectation of resulting in civil war, I'm withholding judgement on this one for now, but someone needs to get on this pronto! Or my Kruger tourguide will have been right, when he said: "Jesses, Zim es fucked hey".
For more information on Zimbabwe (and the current crisis) you can click on the links below, or read Peter Godwin's fantastic novels "Mukiwa" and "When a crocodile eats the sun".

http://www.economist.com/daily/news/displaystory.cfm?story_id=12780907

http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/news/world/africa/article5321378.ece

Thursday, 11 December 2008

Arse bandit!

Since I neglected to do anything in support of my gay brethren yesterday (on Day Without A Gay), let me shine a tardy light on them now, by way of the two single finest men that have ever wandered this peculiar planet; Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie. This is some of their early stuff and I'll probably be posting more clips like these soon since they're sheer brillance!



Don't you just love them? I seriously want Stephen Fry to adopt me, and Hugh Laurie... (sigh), I could make many a hardened streetwench blush with the filthy things I'd like to do to him!

Belgian Caramel

I haven't been able to hide that I'm going through a major nineties phase musically. So here are Belgian brotherly sensation Soulwax with some delicious "Caramel" (unsurprisingly from their '96 album; Leave the Story Untold).

Must be my period...


On monday Alex Leo listed the "five sexist trends the advertising world just can't shake" condemning imagery suggesting; bondage, rape, "sluts", girl on girl action and cum shots.
I have to admit that even though I agreed with the article, I wasn't offended by the visual examples at first glance. Not because I couldn't see the sexist message that was implied, but rather because my feminist indignation isn't as easily inflamed as it used to be. (Or maybe I've been exposed to so many misogynistic images in my life that I have grown numb.)
However, this doesn't mean I don't get annoyed about sexism when I see it play out in real life (as opposed to the advertising world, which is apparantly run by manchildren who live to depict their every pathetic adolescent fantasie, concocted back when they were crying in their crusty tissues because Janey from next door wisely refused their dry humping advances).

All over the world women are being abused, raped, forcibly restricted in their development and even robbed of their clitori. Fortunately I live in a society where these things are rightfully condemned and are punishable by law, a society where women and men are supposed equals, but we aren't quite there yet. So to speed the healing along, here are five things I believe men and women alike (in my opinion anti-feminist females are more harmful to the emancipation process than any man could ever be) can do to help.

1. Stop telling me what I think and like.

One of the joys of being a citizen of the free world is that you are allowed to make up your own mind. This extends to tastes and opinions on all subjects and "quelle surprise"; different people like different things! Just last week my team mates and I were cornered by a particularly dim bulb who kept explaining to us "what women think". Efforts to convince this tadpole from the shallow end of the gene pool that we, being women, might have some valid viewpoints on the subject, remained without result. He must have acquired his quality information from "Ruffles and Roofies Dating Monthly" because he also kept offering us disgusting looking pink drinks... We finally had to distract him with something shiny so we could escape back to the bar, but I guess my point is this: We don't all like barbie dolls, gold and hairspray, so if you want to know what I think, ASK ME!

2. Stop claiming lust as an exclusively male emotion.

Women are sexual beings, period. We don't "put out" to land a boyfriend or please our man, we have sex because we are lovely, healthy, horny creatures who know how to utilate the gifts with which nature supplied us for our own pleasure. And because it's the most fun cardio work out known to man...

3. Stop telling me I'm fat.

Seriously, I know this one has been discussed Ad nauseum, but there's a difference between fat (=unhealthy) and normal (=healthy). I'm not exactly a twig, but I'm no wide load either and I resent the fact that my tv tries to make me feel guilty about eating. When you're 25 and still a size zero, chances are you are starving yourself and thereby making sure you won't live very long. When you can't touch your own toes because you've inhaled enough fast food to clog up the Mississippi river, you're at the other wrong end of the scale. These things are fairly obvious. We know our bodies and especially don't need to be told how we compare to retouched magazine covers by the media and our boyfriends. When walking along the city my ex-boyfriend remarked that a passing very lovely and healthy looking girl had a fat ass. All the blood drained from my face and as I turned around, I yelled; "NO, YOU HAVE A FAT ASS!!!" Not the most creative comeback, but he in fact did. So fat blokes (and everyone else) shut up! If you like stick figures so much go marry a broom.

4. Stop dividing us between smart and pretty.

The two aren't mutually exclusive and it's wrong to make little girls think they have to choose. The past U.S. elections have shown us that even the 'serious' media are not above such stereo typing. I'll grant you that Sarah Palin is not the sharpest tool in the shed, but Hillary Clinton is certainly no Freddy Kruger. The abuse she took about her appearance was evidence of a resentment that had little to do with her abilities as a politician. Furthermore, she was made to feel like she had to downplay her feminine qualities in order to be taken seriously as a leader. It is time that a more responsible choice is made by those who are narrating our history, so we can finally discuss what she is saying, instead of what she is wearing...

5. Start learning the difference between giving a compliment and being condescending.

It's one thing to show your admiration, but please don't pat me on the back for the tiniest example of brain activity. Yes I am little, yes I am blond, yes I have big boobs. This is where the blow up doll resemblance ends. I did not choose this look, this is how I came out of the box, deal! If you underestimate me because of my looks, that is your problem. Mathematically speaking, chances are I'm smarter than you. So the next time you compliment me for doing a fool's job well, be prepared for an excogitated lesson, in pain!

Friday, 5 December 2008

Cute overload


If ever there was a way to melt my cold black heart, I'm sure Billy Elliot would know how.

Watch this endearing and painfully cute clip from the movie, where little Billy releases his frustration through DANCE DANCE DANCE!!! Be sure to crank up the volume because "A Town Called Malice" by The Jam just might be the best way possible to kick off your weekend.

Wednesday, 3 December 2008

The Prince of Punk


I hope you'll forgive my neglectfulness of this blog over the last few days, but the truth is that I've been so wrapped up with other stuff lately, that I really didn't have anything interesting to say. So I decided to completely go against my nature and just shut the hell up for a bit.

Instead I offer you this wonderfully condescending fairytale by Jo Brand, about the Prince who put frogs to shame. Sid Vicious, Prince of Punk! Revered by teenage wannabe rebels (I shamefully admit that there was a time when I actually put a safety pin through my ear... Yes I was pathetic!), unwashed rodents like "Donny Tourette", and fans of auto-mutilation, heroin and bad music alike.

Why do only the good die so young? For shame...