Poison Ivy

I went to dinner at one of the Netherlands' top new restaurants on Tuesday, and reviewed the experience for my friend Karen's cooking blog
Fearless in the Kitchen.

Apparently I was somewhat anal-retentive about the whole thing, but you can judge that for yourself here.

Wimbledon cuteness

You don't have to like tennis to appreciate this:

"Frenchman Micheal Llodra had to forfeit his match against german Tommy Haas today after losing his balance during a rally and crashing into the umpires chair (and the face of a ball girl). Haas wasn't quite ready to leave centre court yet though, so he dedided to treat the audience to a little game with the ball boys and girl."



Well, it looks like I have a new crush. How cute was that!?! (And how much do you love that the only kid with game doesn't have a Y chromosome...)

* Once again for the Dutchies; if you are reading this on my Hyves page, the RSS feed doesn't copy the YouTube clips so you'll have to click through to my blog.

Best, worst and hottest, the dad edition!

So I've already turned the spotlight on my own dad today, but there are many fatherly characters out there that speak to the imagination, for better or worse...

Worst dad: Josef Fritzl

You have to be one disgusting human being to win this title, but unfortunately mr. Fritzl is as loathsome as they come. Locking his daughter in the basement for most of her life, using her as a sex slave, and fathering his own grandchildren. Some of whom were kept hidden from the world, and one who didn't even survive life in his hellish Austrian dungeon.

Worst animated dad: Randy Marsh (South Park)

When he's not busy mastrubating, drinking and/or causing mass hysteria, he is still a pretty big jackass, causing his son Stan massive headaches and much embarressment. Granted, Peter Griffin may be even worse. But Family Guy is way less funny and I've kind of had it with them, so they are spared this dubious honour.

Best dad: Jon stewart

Let's face it, the guy is by all accounts pretty much perfect. He's smart, funny and has morals that seem incredibly sane for Hollywood standards. Not to mention that he'd be a very worthy adversary for any teenage smartmouth. Truly a dad to look up to.

Best dad (who isn't a dad) - Stephen Fry

He might be an elderly gay man and therefore an unlikely candidate for fatherhood, but I think mr. Fry would make the perfect dad. Kind and wise, conscientious and witty, I would hand this man my firstborn in a heartbeat. Also, having Emma Thompson and Hugh Laurie for god parents wouldn't be too shabby...

Hottest dad - Hank Moody (Californation)

Hank Moody's smooth, poetic ways may ruin his daughter for all other men, but they sure are a delight to watch. Never short of a good oneliner, he is the (fictional) dad whose face I would most happily use as a chair. And he isn't without life lessons either; "Back tatts are the watermark of the promiscuous". True that...

Happy father's day dad!

As far as dads go, mine is pretty fantastic. He's quite funny (not as funny as he thinks he is, but I guess that runs in the family...), he's generous, very proud, loving, and generally fun to be around. He's instilled in me a profound love for music, a strong sense of independance, and the confidence to go after whatever you want out of life. He's the dad you can have a beer with (read: many, many beers), and the dad my sister and I wouldn't trade for anyone. So in honour of father's day, I'd like to share some of his parenting greatest hits.

When I was in my early teens, I was the typical, sensitive, idealistic bookworm (you know the type; wears a lot of black, not very good at the evil high school politics, writes awful and naive poetry about changing the world) and also not very easy to shop for. When my birthday came around, my dad walked into the local bookshop and told the saleswoman; "My daughter is way too smart for her own good and loves to read. I have no idea what kind of book to get her, help me." And so that's how I got Gödel, Escher, Bach: An Eternal Golden Braid, by Douglas Hofstadter for my 13th birthday. It still gives me a headache, but it's nonetheless very flattering to know that your dad mistakenly believes you to be some kind of genius.

A few years after that, I had tickets for a Junkie XL concert in Tilburg (about an hour away) and my friend and I had secretly planned to stay with some students who lived there, so we could stay out all night. Naturally we got busted for lying about where we were planning to stay, but instead of grounding me, he drove us to the concert and came to pick us up at one in the morning, joking and smiling all the way. This of course made me feel horribly guilty about being a lying little shit, and earned him major cool points for life.

The best thing my dad ever did though, and the biggest example of the kind of person he is, was what he did when my cousin was in trouble. I won't go into details, but let's just say he was being mistreated by the people who were supposed to take care of him. When he got the call, my dad just got in his car, got him out of there, and gave him a home in our house. No questions asked. It was the only right thing to do, but I know many, many people wouldn't have.

I guess what I'm trying to say is thank you dad. I love you.

The (complete) ten commandments of hospitality, FOR CUSTOMERS!!!

There are many rules restaurant employees have to mind when working around food and people:

"Take a shower every once in a while, try to minimise the pointing and laughing at customers, and refrain from hot plate frisbee during rush hour."

Sounds fair enough, right? But I do believe us humble servant folk deserve SOME common courtesy in return by our guests. The following is a detailed list of ten things that make us want to put arsenic in your coffee, and that you should please never again do in a restaurant. Basically it all boils down to: "don't be a twat", but that doesn't make a very good list now does it?

1. Thou shalt not be a pervert

Rule of thumb: "If he/she is young enough to be your child (or worse) don't try to hit on your waiter." First of all because it's gross, and second of all, we have to be nice to you for money. Please don't make that even more creepy than it has to be. Yes, we may come across very friendly or even flirty, but that is what being a good host(ess) is. We make you feel welcome. If you misinterpret those signals as a sexual green light, we will make fun of you to our colleagues and deem you pathetic behind your back (except if you were the hot guy sitting at table 42 on saturday, in which case I totally meant to flirt with you).

2. Thou shalt sit wherever the hell thou are told

Seriously people, it's not that difficult. If a table seats eight and there's only two of you, don't act surprised if you are not seated there. We understand you like the extra elbow space, but we kind of like the six hundred euros we can make by sticking actual people in those empty chairs. Your boss doesn't allow you to throw your computer out the office window at the end of the day does he? No, because THAT would be a waste of money. Think about it, dumbass.

3. Thou shalt not be a stingy bastard

You knew this was coming, but tipping is important! If the food and service are good, or even great, it's nice to tell us so, but compliments do not pay the rent. Hospitality is hard and physically strenuous work, for not a lot of money. So if you can afford to eat at a high end place like ours, we know you have a few extra pennies to show your appreciation. It pains me to say this but women are especially lousy tippers. Not that I believe men to be more altruistic or generous, but their machismo fear of being called a cheapskate moves them to do the right thing.

4. Thou shalt keep thy womb fruit in check

It's nice that you think your offspring is of magnificent beauty and wisdom, but it's pretty safe to assume to rest of us are less impressed. Therefore, it would be helpful if you could teach your kids some goddamn manners. I don't know what my parents would have done if eight year old me had been running around the restaurant screaming, ruining all the table settings, and slamming into fully loaded waiters, but I'm pretty sure that it would have hurt. Call me old fashioned, but I genuinely didn't expect to be scolded by the mother of the little creep I had just prevented from eating glass fragments off the floor. Next time I'll just hand junior a box of matches and a steak knife, and send him on his merry way.

5. Thou shalt realise when the party is over

We've all been there. You've had a few too many and you're not quite ready to go home. At this point it's probably wise to realise that the people who are working there are all itching for you to leave so that they can finally relax themselves, and that is why they've been asking: "can I get you anything else", every three minutes for the last half hour. Go be drunk around people who are in a similar state of intoxication, and who won't remember you so harshly, if at all.

6. Thou shalt not mess with the balancing act

You may think that you're helping, but handing us the smallest thing on the table, thereby ensuring that we can't stack anything else on, thus forcing us to make another run to the kitchen is the exact opposite. There is a very fragile logic between what we can carry and how we stack it, and it is different for everyone, so please don't hand us anything, unless we ask. If we are carrying a serving tray, for the love of Krishna do not take anything from it, or place anything on it when we aren't looking, because it will fall. That doesn't make us clumbsy, it makes you daft, and probably dripping.

7. Thou shalt not treat thy waiters like cattle

Whistling, clapping, snapping your fingers and waving hysterically at restaurant staff should be punishable by death. Or at the very least by flogging. It's incredibly rude, humiliating, dehumanising and it pretty much garantees you crap service for the rest of the night, because the entire staff will loathe you. It is however completely acceptable to walk up to a stranger who displays this behaviour and punch them in the throat. When they stare back at you, baffled and afraid, you can snap your fingers at them (or whistle, clap etc.) and say; "you know why!".

8. Thou shalt not be hysterically pregnant

Since the dawn of time, blushing farm women, malnourished African women, and stupid teenagers (surviving solely on a steady diet of KFC and twinkies) alike have been putting healthy youngens on this earth. It's good that we now know a little more about what not to do during pregnancy, but try not to be a total paranoid bitch about it. We are not out to poison your child to be, and if you are so very afraid of the redness of meat, then just DON'T ORDER THE FUCKING STEAK! It makes our souls hurt to serve grey beef. Oh, and those three drops of alcohol in the sauce will have evaporated in the cooking process, it is not necessairy to ask that question about every single thing on the menu while pointing at your stomache. You have told us you're pregnant five times already, and also, you are huge and bloated.

9. Thou shalt not be hasty

You know why fast food is so cheap? Because it takes no thought, no time to prepare, and it's expected to taste like crap. Good, fresh food actually takes time and care, and if you look around, you'll notice that you're not the only person who we're serving at the moment. We'll serve you in a very timely manner, and if we feel you might be waiting a minute too long, we'll be at your table, apologising profusely and offering you free drinks. If you are so very bored with your company that you have nothing better to do than to stare at your watch all night, might we suggest "rent-a-friend", or a divorce.

10. Thou shalt not assume thy waiter is an idiot

There are plenty of dim bulbs who work in hospitality, like there are in any industry, but there's no need to talk to your waiter like they're mentally handicapped. If you are dining in a good restaurant, or even in a crappy one in a cool city, chances are you are being served by someone who has a sharp mind and a passion for food and wine, who understands there's an art to making sure you have a great evening, who has a college education and probably could do many other things just as well, but who chose this career because it makes them happy, they are fucking great at it, and it's a helluvalot more fun than being stuck in some office all day.

To summarise here's from "The New Statesman" the exact opposite of how one should behave in a restaurant:

* Once again for the Dutchies; if you are reading this on my Hyves page, the RSS feed doesn't copy the YouTube clips so you'll have to click through to my blog.

Glorious cleavage

Do you know how sometimes you can't choose between feeling flattered or downright mortified? Well, imagine you are walking past a sunny terrace when a group of men (I presume they were British tourists) suddenly jump up and shout "Glorious cleavage!" at you, followed by them clapping and cheering...

My reaction of course was to turn Ferrari red, and to sprint away akwardly, in heels, on a brick road. I'm just thankful I didn't do a full faceplant right then and there, but I did feel about as sexy as a bucket of lint. But enough about my embarrassing life, I have to run to work now, so here's POTUS Obama being funny at last night's White House Correspondents' Association Dinner.



* Once again for the Dutchies; if you are reading this on my Hyves page, the RSS feed doesn't copy the YouTube clips so you'll have to click through to my blog.

Oh dear...

South Africa has elected her fourth president since the end of apartheid. His name is Jacob Zuma and he is more crooked than the leaning tower of Pisa. Apparantly things need to once again get worse before they can get better. Let's hope it doesn't take eight years though...

Rhetorical crimes against logic

The eighth commandment reads "Thou shalt not steal", but I totally pulled this clip from http://www.deusexmalcontent.com/ and I am not sorry!

* For the Dutchies; if you are reading this on my Hyves page, the RSS feed doesn't copy the YouTube clips so you'll have to click through to my blog.

Orange you glad I´m back?

Apparently I still have a blog... Who knew?

Since starting my new job (yes, yet another new job, shut up) I've generally been too exhausted to do much of anything, but you know you're in trouble when a global pandemic breaks out and you are the absolute last person in the world to notice. To mask my blatant ignorance I was going to write something cute and perky about the Dutch tradition of Queens Day. But, since some raging lunatic decided to drive his car through the celebrations in what looks like an attempt to harm the royal family, killing five people and injuring many more, I guess cute and perky is out. So yeah...

I got nothing. Here's Stephen K Amos live at the Apollo:





* For the Dutchies; if you are reading this on my Hyves page, the RSS feed doesn't copy the YouTube clips so you'll have to click through to my blog.

Sacrelicious

If you haven't seen the new South Park episode from last night, "Margaritaville", I suggest you get yourself over to www.southparkstudios.com right quick, because it is friggin' hilarious! In addition to a last supper spoof, with Cartman as the natural Judas, it also has this little gem:

Musica ex machina

Artist Felix Thorn built this incredibly impressive musical machine, and is hereby invited to come to Utrecht and replace the now tarred and feathered organ grinder outside my window...

In other news: "We're all doomed!"

Is anybody else feeling mildly overwhelmed in trying to understand what exactly is happening with the current financial crisis?

Well, as always, Matt Taibbi does understand and manages to explain it in a way that doesn't make my brain explode. You can read the article here but be advised; you'll probably feel worse than before you knew what the hell those money people were on about...

Paper cuts

As I walk past my hallway mirror, I notice black smudges all over my face. The familiar markings of an afternoon well spent, reading the Saturday newspaper. As much as I love and have come to depend on the internet, I am still one of those fossils who pay good money to have daily piles of waste paper delivered to their doorstep. Because nothing can beat the feel and smell that is the print experience.

When I was in college I used to meet my friends after class with a stack of newspapers. And we would sit, at a big table in our favourite bar. All day. Reading, drinking coffee, and contemplating the perils of the modern world, until we exchanged our coffees for beers, our informed discussions for inane folly, and would exit the pub just slighty more stupid than before we came. It was there that we heard out about the planes flying into the World Trade Centre, with our suddenly outdated newspapers still in hand.

Eight years, several wars, and one U.S. President later, those people and that bar are still there, but I wonder how much longer my beloved newspapers will be. As Clay Shirky so eloquently describes in his article, we are in the middle of a media revolution, and important as tradional newspapers (and their journalistic efforts) may be, they won't be able to survive the perfect storm of free information.

I would love to offer a solution for these very modern challenges, but let's not kid ourselves. I'm the girl who found her lost keys in the refrigerator this morning. So I'll just enjoy my dirty old paper for as long as I can. If you need me I'll be at my table. Smudged and content...

Et tu, Ricky?

This just in: Ricky Gervais and Pink are going to star in the new PETA ad...

So if smart and funny people are joining these assholes, does that mean Britney Spears just became the president of Mensa? You know, because it must be opposite day!

Why do my favourite celebrities keep joining these retarded organisations? I mean, needlessly torturing animals is a bad thing, even I get that, but I do have a major beef with militant animal rights activists such as Peta. They bully people who work in the meat and science industries, but have no problem killing off thousands of animals who were brought to them for shelter.

Does working in Hollywood actually make you mad? I swear, there must be something in the water. No wonder Scientology business is booming, the crazy comes straight from the tap!

Ten songs that will break your heart

The following list has nothing to do with my current state of mind because I'm actually feeling quite happy at the moment, but I've had this list in my YouTube favourites for a while now, and can't be asked to come up with anything new tonight. So without further ado, here are ten painfully beautiful songs that will make you want to curl up into a little ball and cry your tiny black heart out. Or eat a buttload of ice cream. Or both!

10. First up is "Letting the cables sleep" by Bush. I couldn't post the original video but this "Sin City" clip featuring the delicious Clive Owen should more than make up for that.



9. The next song is written from the perspective of a rapist and killer, but I love it nonetheless (or maybe it's what makes it great, I don't know). But here's Therapy with "Diane".



8. The next song was a big part of the musical salvation that elevated the movie "Cruel Intentions" from standard Hollywood remake disaster (Les Liaisons Dangereuses) to a halfway decent production. This clip is taken from the movie and has pretty people making the sexy. Here are Counting Crows with "Colorblind".



7. This lady is beyond weird, but I don't give a flying fiddle because this songs rocks! With a clip from "the Crow" here's Björk and "Play Dead".



6. I loved this song when I was a scrawny and awkward teenage snot, and I still do. One could argue that not much has changed except for the scrawny and teenage parts, but I like to think it's because good music stands the test of time. Here are the Smashing Pumpkins with "Disarm".



5. We're getting into serious tearjerking territory now, with the legendary Jeff Buckley. The tortured poet who tragically died before his time (just like his father) could easily be on this list five times without playing favourites. Here's "Lover you should've come over" live from Chicago in '95.



4. This song always humbles me. Its pure and modest message of hope has a way of making me appreciate all I have. Here's the very wise Tracey Chapman with "Fast Car".



3. I still can't watch this next clip without balling like a big Jessie. Here is the most powerful finale of a drama series I've ever seen, from "Six feet Under", with the fantastic soundtrack by Sia, "Breathe Me".



2. For all the dubious characteristics Prince possesses, there is no doubt he is one of the most talented songwriters alive today. Sung by the best looking bald lady ever, Sinead 'O Connor, this is "Nothing compares 2U".



1. I can't really put into words how much this song moves me, except that I can feel myself being physically stirred by it (hmm, I guess I can put it into words). I was never a big fan of the original by Nine Inch Nails (although Trent Reznor's lyrics are fantastic), but this version of "Hurt" by a bodily weakened but ever lion hearted Johnny Cash embodies everything that is great about music.

Soup hair

I don't mean to alarm you, but, there is hair growing on my soup. Lush, thick, scary hair. Just a week ago it was green pea soup, and now it is hair soup, and possibly evil. I want to clean the pan, I really do, but I fear the mould might try to murder me in my sleep. If it does, avenge me. And if someone could say some really nice things about me at my funeral that would be great. Make me look good (lie!).

I guess I haven't been blogging much lately, but it's for a good cause. Over the last couple of weeks, my independant writing career has really taken off, and my biggest contract is a semi-permanent gig with a copy writing agency, run by a really cool and smart lady who I've tricked into becoming my mentor of sorts. So career wise things are definitely looking up.

As for my health; after surviving a killer flu (which felt like the plague) I am once again feeling fat and happy, and thanking the non existent gods that the hockey season has started again. I might have caught a ball with my face (what else is new), resulting in two weeks of looking like Chris Brown's girlfriend, but people have stopped staring at me on the subway so my black eye must have sufficiently faded. It did make for an excellent costume at Carnaval which I attended as a boxer, and where I had a blast!

So consider this my glorious return to the internet. Or not.

We'll see.

Because I love you

We all know mondays bite big wind, so here are the Young Ones and the horrendously orange Cliff Richard, with "Living Doll".



You're very welcome...

Ten reasons why life is too great to worry about sucky people!

This morning I woke up and decided to preemptively brighten a friend's dreary tuesday at work, because she's been in a bit of a bad break up funk lately. I emailed her ten reasons why life is too beautiful to be sad about mentally unstable manfolk, but if you are a straight male, feel free to change certain (body) parts to match your heart's desire.

1. Friends. The natural number one on the list and a beautiful phenomenon. You have a lot of them, and yours just happen to be very sweet, and funny, and great company. If a void is left in your life, just fill it with friends and you can be sure that only good things will come of it.

2. Being young and hot. This one is tricky, because the liquid evil known as your hormones might try to fill your head with the lying self image of a fat old troll. Don't believe it! You are a drop dead gorgeous spring chicken and also sex on a stick. Anyone claiming otherwise is a jealous, lying snot!

3. The weekend. Ah, the real reason us civilians endure our hellish working week is that tingly feeling we get when friday afternoon comes around. The giddyness, the bad jokes and the anticipation of things to come. Sleeping 'till noon, parties and good times with great people you've chosen yourself.

4. Food. Wheter it's a bowl of Ben & Jerry's with a bad movie, a three course meal with a hot date, or the divine eggs and bacon on a hungover morning, food rules! How it tastes, how it looks, how it smells. Yum! And since we are supposed adults, we can eat whatever we want, whenever we want!

5. Penises. It doesn't matter if you collect them, or have enjoyed only a small selection of favourites under your belt, they make your life better. These ultimate joysticks, which are, hopefully, attached to a great guy, are designed by nature to give women pleasure. Who are you to deny nature?

6. Sports. Doesn't it feel great to push yourself around on the field (the only place left where you can truly play like a child) or in the gym and then to get in a hot shower and feel that nice, satisfied, glowing in your muscles? Knowing that all the uglyness that naturally lives in our bodies (aggression, frustration, back fat) has been released in a healthy way.

7. Bitching, moaning and gossiping. Sometimes it feels so good to just let yourself go for a moment and snarl away like you're a surly, constipated geriatric and everythings sucks. Also great; talking smack about people who act even worse than you do. No matter how bad you get, you can rest in the knowledge that there is always a bigger moron out there (usually me).

8. Beauty. This one might seem a bit soft, but beauty is all around us. In music, books and films, but also in the little things. In the crisp winter air, in riding your bike down the street while the sun is reflected in the canals (okay maybe that one just works for me, but I'm sure you catch my drift). It's in the eyes of the people who care about you. In hope, in strength, in love, in you.

9. Humour. It's the life raft on which sanity floats, in a sea of injustice, pain and uglyness. No matter how bad things get, there's bound to be a brilliant punchline in there somewhere. Dare to laugh yourself and your fate in the face, and you will be a stronger, happier and funnier person for it.

10. Love. You got to taste what it feels like to truly be in love and it was taken away from you. This love may be over, but your love life is not. I am convinced there is someone (actually there might be several) out there with everything to give, who only needs to find someone like you to love. Until you meet, 1 through 9 are still very much worth the fuss.

It isn't the list I would have written for myself, but it's still a pretty good list of reasons not to be unhappy, and that was what I was going for. It's just too bad that the stuff that makes you want to hurl yourself off a cliff is usually funnier...

Obstinate Frenchies ram British nuclear sub, are snotty about it

You know how people tell you that "what you don't know could fill a book". Ha! Talk about euphemisms... There's a frightening quantity of areas where my expertise is non existant, but thankfully I never let that prevent me from having an opinion on the subject. Take submarines for instance. I honestly haven't the foggiest (besides what you can learn from watching "Under Siege"). But it would seem to me that if you're going to be roaming the oceans in a metal tube containing nuclear warheads, that it might make sense to tell your friends about it. You know, so you don't accidentally slam into them and create a nuclear disaster...

How fucking stupid is that? A nuclear power, bound by friendly political alliances, international agreements and supposed shared national values can't be bothered to let it's atomic teammates know when it is sending WMD's on a pleasure cruise through international waters (even though this is common practice amongst NATO allies), because they are France and the rules don't apply to them. I think that stinks! It stinks like their delicious smelly smelly cheeses (yeah I went there). The French need to realise that they are no longer the superpower of yore, and have to play nice with the other kids in the European sandbox (as do the British for that matter).

The diplomatic world stage may have better days ahead with Obama kissing the boo-boos of past scoffings, but especially in these times of economic squalor, everbody is looking out for number one. No European country on it's own will be able to change much for the better, because the gravitas of military and economic power still lies elsewhere. That is why I truly believe that the European Union has the future of Europe. Politically, economically and even militarily. But for European integration to really work, a change of mentally is needed. If the bigger countries keep viewing the Union itself as a competing power and allow old world chauvinism to have a place in foreign policy, then the Union won't flourish. And neither will they.

The truth about crap

Sometimes I think The Onion has completely lost the funny, and then they go and post something like this...

The indolent patient

I feel like rubbish on toast, I smell like mould (at least I think I do, the vast amounts of mucus that keep erupting from my face prevent my nose from performing it's usual duties), and to top it all off, I look like death. I've diagnosed myself with "Screaming Bubonic Typhoid Ebolaflu" and am awaiting certain death. Goodbye cruel world!

...

Okay, so I may be exaggerating slightly, but this is the first time in days that I actually feel well enough to complain. Welcome to my pity party people, bring your own whine.

I promise to snap out of this funk post haste, as soon as my body returns to work. In the meantime here's the lovely Russel Howard with his own endearing and hilarious brand of stand up comedy.

There ain't but one way

I've made my undying love and devotion for these two pretty clear, but allow me to repeat myself for a moment. Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are the monkey shit!

Sean Paul must die!

There's a lot of important and frankly horrible shit going down in the world right now, and for some reason the only thing I want to share today is my complete and utter hatred for musical abomination Sean Paul. Maybe it's because I've been stuck in jobhunt hell for weeks now, maybe it's because somehow it's morning already and I haven't slept yet, or maybe it's just because the man sucks so hard at music he makes my ears bleed.

Seriously, vapid pop stars are perfectly capable of producing bland, mildly catchy pop songs without this fuckstain bellowing "yo yo yo, baby girl" twenty-seven times through each chorus. He does the same stupid bit in every bloody song! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Just stop working with him already. The man was even able to make a "Shaggy" song worse for crying out loud! Shaggy... Worse! Before I choke on my own fury, I'd better go and take a nap. Hopefully later today I'll be back and less, stabby...

Goodmorning Mr. President

Michelle Obama: "Goodmorning Mr. President"

The 44th US President: "Goodmorning yourself, oh first of all ladies"

MO: "Did you sleep well?"

44th: "Like a baby. But then again you did wear me out last night... Was that a new trick with the snake thing?"

MO: "Yeah, I've been getting some pointers from Hillary. Girlfriend is a freak!"

44th: "I guess she'd have to be..."

MO: "So what's on the itinerary for today?"

44th: "Nothing much:

• Solving the economic crises
  
• Restoring international relations and alliances


• Fixing the health care system


• Bring peace to Palestine


• Get the troops out of Irak


• Unite and give hope


• End world hunger


• Create world peace


• Desecrate the Oval Office with my hot ass wife

You know, no biggie..."

MO: "That's quite enough sex talk Mr. President. Time to get serious!"

44th: "You're absolutely right dear. Let's get cracking! So what are you going to do today?"

MO: "Call all my friends and tell them that I just nailed the mothereffing leader of the free world."

44th: "Good for you honey."

Bye bye and good day sir... I said good day!

Dirty Sexy Money

Remember how Larry Flint and Joe Francis asked for a porn bailout? Todger Talk's funniest writer "Mr. Sex" explains what a complete crock that is (as if you didn't know) here!

Quizlaw

Since I share their hate/love relationship with stupid people and the shenanigans they get up to, the Quizlaw people have kindly asked me to contribute to their blog. So if you like random stories about the dumb, the bad and the flipping INSANE you might want to check it out.

www.quizlaw.com

How to outdouche a douchebag

And now for something completely random: this little gem is very inappropriate but it got a laugh and a mild cringe out of me.



It's like an educational tool on how to handle that really annoying guy from work...

Maternity beef

I never intended to write some sort of Feminist Manifesto from the Pants, but much like this article last month, the row over French Minister of Justice Rachida Dati's decision to return to work five days after giving birth has provoked some thoughts on the subject.

French women have a right to four months of maternity leave, but this right has never been applied in practice by female ministers. A proposal to replace them with a deputy for a 16-week interim period has been well received, after many criticed Dati's actions. Dati has a full-time nanny who can assist with childcare night and day, but no help from the father whose name she has never disclosed.

Let me just say that I think that maternity leave is a right every women should (but unfortunately doesn't) have, but to make it manditory to replace her in light of "protecting working women against themselves" is downright sexist. I have no beef with the proposal for a replacement deputy as long as it is presented as an option that she is free to take or leave. I've never thought about this before, but in The Netherlands maternity leave is manditory. If you would want to return to work earlier then you simply wouldn't be allowed to do so until six weeks after giving birth.

Now I understand that these laws are in place to protect women. You can't be pressured to come back to work sooner when the leave is manditory. But what if you wanted to? I have seen some friends after they'd just had babies and don't think I ever would, but I also understand where Dati is coming from. She is the Minister of Justice for Pete's sake, she has important shit to handle, and I would greatly appreciate it if everyone would just shut up and let her do her job.

She is a grown woman who got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. Entirely her business. She wants to raise the kid allone and won't share the father's name. Entirely her business. She has the resources to pay for a full-time around the clock nanny who helps her out whilst she goes back to work. Again, entirely her business.

If she had taken a longer leave or asked to be temporarily replaced that would also be fine with me. Just leave her alone already!

More music, less musings

How could I not have any Muse videos up? Love, love, LOVE them and I don't even care that this sentence looks like it was typed by a sixteen year old. Anyhoodle, I'm crunching for part deux of my job interview tomorrow so I simply must dash, but I'll leave you with the brilliant "Knights of Cydonia"

and the beautiful "Muscle Museum"...