Thursday, 29 January 2009

There ain't but one way

I've made my undying love and devotion for these two pretty clear, but allow me to repeat myself for a moment. Stephen Fry and Hugh Laurie are the monkey shit!

Wednesday, 28 January 2009

Sean Paul must die!


There's a lot of important and frankly horrible shit going down in the world right now, and for some reason the only thing I want to share today is my complete and utter hatred for musical abomination Sean Paul. Maybe it's because I've been stuck in jobhunt hell for weeks now, maybe it's because somehow it's morning already and I haven't slept yet, or maybe it's just because the man sucks so hard at music he makes my ears bleed.

Seriously, vapid pop stars are perfectly capable of producing bland, mildly catchy pop songs without this fuckstain bellowing "yo yo yo, baby girl" twenty-seven times through each chorus. He does the same stupid bit in every bloody song! Doesn't anybody notice this? I feel like I'm taking crazy pills!

Just stop working with him already. The man was even able to make a "Shaggy" song worse for crying out loud! Shaggy... Worse! Before I choke on my own fury, I'd better go and take a nap. Hopefully later today I'll be back and less, stabby...

Wednesday, 21 January 2009

Goodmorning Mr. President


Michelle Obama: "Goodmorning Mr. President"
The 44th US President: "Goodmorning yourself, oh first of all ladies"

MO: "Did you sleep well?"
44th: "Like a baby. But then again you did wear me out last night... Was that a new trick with the snake thing?"

MO: "Yeah, I've been getting some pointers from Hillary. Girlfriend is a freak!"
44th: "I guess she'd have to be..."

MO: "So what's on the itinerary for today?"
44th: "Nothing much:
  • Solving the economic crises
  • Restoring international relations and alliances

  • Fixing the health care system

  • Bring peace to Palestine

  • Get the troops out of Irak

  • Unite and give hope

  • End world hunger

  • Create world peace

  • Desecrate the Oval Office with my hot ass wife
You know, no biggie..."

MO: "That's quite enough sex talk Mr. President. Time to get serious!"
44th: "You're absolutely right dear. Let's get cracking! So what are you going to do today?"

MO: "Call all my friends and tell them that I just nailed the mothereffing leader of the free world."
44th: "Good for you honey."

Friday, 16 January 2009

Dirty Sexy Money


Remember how Larry Flint and Joe Francis asked for a porn bailout? Todger Talk's funniest writer "Mr. Sex" explains what a complete crock that is (as if you didn't know) here!

Thursday, 15 January 2009

Quizlaw


Since I share their hate/love relationship with stupid people and the shenanigans they get up to, the Quizlaw people have kindly asked me to contribute to their blog. So if you like random stories about the dumb, the bad and the flipping INSANE you might want to check it out.

How to outdouche a douchebag

And now for something completely random: this little gem is very inappropriate but it got a laugh and a mild cringe out of me.



It's like an educational tool on how to handle that really annoying guy from work...

Maternity beef


I never intended to write some sort of Feminist Manifesto from the Pants, but much like this article last month, the row over French Minister of Justice Rachida Dati's decision to return to work five days after giving birth has provoked some thoughts on the subject.

French women have a right to four months of maternity leave, but this right has never been applied in practice by female ministers. A proposal to replace them with a deputy for a 16-week interim period has been well received, after many criticed Dati's actions. Dati has a full-time nanny who can assist with childcare night and day, but no help from the father whose name she has never disclosed.

Let me just say that I think that maternity leave is a right every women should (but unfortunately doesn't) have, but to make it manditory to replace her in light of "protecting working women against themselves" is downright sexist. I have no beef with the proposal for a replacement deputy as long as it is presented as an option that she is free to take or leave. I've never thought about this before, but in The Netherlands maternity leave is manditory. If you would want to return to work earlier then you simply wouldn't be allowed to do so until six weeks after giving birth.

Now I understand that these laws are in place to protect women. You can't be pressured to come back to work sooner when the leave is manditory. But what if you wanted to? I have seen some friends after they'd just had babies and don't think I ever would, but I also understand where Dati is coming from. She is the Minister of Justice for Pete's sake, she has important shit to handle, and I would greatly appreciate it if everyone would just shut up and let her do her job.

She is a grown woman who got pregnant and decided to keep the baby. Entirely her business. She wants to raise the kid allone and won't share the father's name. Entirely her business. She has the resources to pay for a full-time around the clock nanny who helps her out whilst she goes back to work. Again, entirely her business.

If she had taken a longer leave or asked to be temporarily replaced that would also be fine with me. Just leave her alone already!

Sunday, 11 January 2009

More music, less musings

How could I not have any Muse videos up? Love, love, LOVE them and I don't even care that this sentence looks like it was typed by a sixteen year old. Anyhoodle, I'm crunching for part deux of my job interview tomorrow so I simply must dash, but I'll leave you with the brilliant "Knights of Cydonia"



and the beautiful "Muscle Museum"...

Friday, 9 January 2009

Hamas TV accidentally airs Softcore Porn


This has to be my best unintentionally hilarious caption yet. Washington based MEMRI (Middle East media Research Insitute) stumbled upon the footage whilst conducting their "TV monitor project". The strict Islamic channel is commonly used by Hamas for broadcasting public messages and was airing live from the war zone when they suddenly interrupted their program with scenes featuring a nude blonde woman. Apparently the editor in charge, during a quiet moment, changed to a Polish channel with erotic programming, unaware that the audience was watching with him.

I'm just going to take a moment to bask in the poetic glory that is "fundamentalist terrorists accidentally air softcore porn". That just puts the whole ludicrous bunch in perspective doesn't it?

I'm willing to give my life to destroy your evil society of deprived moral values, but not right now because I'm watching some blond chicks get it on!

Ass




Since the show has not been aired in the Netherlands, I didn't get got hooked on Dexter until very recently. With the first season now under my belt, I can honestly say it is a worthy addition to my personal drama/comedy series hall of fame.

In case you were wondering, the following are already in there (in no particular order):

  • Six Feet Under
  • The West Wing
  • Californication
  • The Office (both UK and US versions)
  • Rome
  • This Life (BBC, very old)
  • Cold Feet (BBC)
  • M*A*S*H

Honourable mentions for "Gavin and Stacey" and "House M.D.". I'm aware that there are a few great shows out there that I might like just as much (I personally have high expectations for "Mad Men" and "The Wire") but with my limited Dutch tv access I probably won't see any of them until 2010.

But we were talking about Dexter. The one character that really annoys me on that show is Sergeant Doakes, and not just because he is always on the lovely Dexter's case. It's the way he talks, it reminds me of something...

Thursday, 8 January 2009

Resolution recipes


After a period of extreme gluttony and sloth (aka the holidays), my body has kindly informed me that it would like me to shape the fuck up! It has done so with subtle hints such as; erupting volcanic growths on my face, giving me just enough energy to make it to work and back (but not one iota more), and this morning I spotted the beginnings of a muffin top when I put on my jeans. Charming!

So as much as I've enjoyed myself and don't feel the least bit guilty about it, I need playtime to be over for now. Especially since the second half of my hockey season is only weeks away and I have to be back on form by then. Since I personally don't believe in diets and don't much care to look twiglike (I'd rather be over here with the happy people thanks very much), you needn't worry about crappy bland "chicken breast with steamed broccoli" recipes on this here noble blog, but I will share some tasty favourites that are chock-full of veggies and other stuff that is supposedly good for you.

The recipes below are packed with flavour, but also quick and easy to make, because eating healthily does not mean you have to stop being lazy.

Dinners:

1. Sweet and spicy prawns with crunchy veggies and sticky rice.

- Peeled cocktail prawns (the recipe also works with chicken or beef chunks)
- Veggies, whichever you like. My favourites for this dish are; bok choi, red onion, been sprouts, sugar snaps and yellow pepper but feel free to play around with the ingredients.
- Thai sweet chili sauce
- Oyster sauce
- Sticky rice (Fair trade Pandan rice is great with this)

You cook the rice according to the instructions on the carton or a little longer for extra stickyness. When the rice needs 5 more minutes, you heat some sesame or peanut oil on a high flame in your wok or frying pan and chuck in the prawns (if they are raw, cook for about two minutes before adding the vegetables). Add the chopped up vegetables and a good dash of oyster sauce (the oyster sauce is salty, so measure the dash to your taste). Add the Thai sweet chili sauce, stir the pan and serve with the sticky rice whilst the veggies are still nice and crisp.

2. White fish fillet with forest mushroom stir fry and roasted tomatoes

- White fish fillet (I especially like Pangasius but any tender white fish will do)
- Cultivated mushrooms (preferably darker ones)
- Leeks
- Red onion
- Small tasty tomatoes on stem
- Garlic
- Lime

Put the tomatoes in a bowl and stick them in the oven. Cut the leeks, mushrooms and onions and fry them in some olive oil, season to taste (I always like a little oregano and thyme in addition to salt and pepper). Crush or chop the garlic and rub the fish with it, don't be shy with fresh sea salt and pepper. Fry the fish in some olive oil with the garlic and when it is golden squeeze the lime over it. Serve the fish on the veggies and finish with the pretty roasted tomatoes from the oven.

Snacks:

3. Pita bread with fresh guacamole

- Pita bread
- Avocado
- Garlic
- Lime

Toast the pita bread in the oven or toaster. Put the avocado in a bowl, add garlic, lime juice and fresh pepper and sea salt to taste, stir. Put the fresh guacamole on the hot pita bread, devour.

4. Arugula and tomato salad with mozzarella

- Arugula
- Tomatoes
- Mozzarella
- Pesto

Chop the arugula, tomatoes and mozzarella, add a tablespoon of green pesto, mix and Bob's your uncle. More into hot snacks? No problem! Get some sour dough or really dark bread, cover with the above concoction and stick it in the oven until the mozzarella has melted.

5. Green greens soup

- Broccoli
- Zucchini
- Leeks
- Onions
- Parsley
- Celery leaves
- Lean minced beef
- Beef bouillon cubes
- 1 egg
- Vermicelli

Put a pan of water on and (depending on quantity) add bouillon cubes. Mix the egg with the minced beef and season generously. Proceed to roll little balls and plonk them in the pan. Chop all your veggies and herbs and add them as well. Bring the heat down to a simmer and go entertain yourself for about an hour. Finally add the vermicelli, taste, season to taste and serve (once the vermicelli is soft).

So there you have it, five delicious recipes that won't add to your ass. I especially like the soup, because you can only make a whole pan, so you're good for yummie snacks the entire week. And if you have some unexpected guests, just add some bread et voilĂ , full bellies all around.

Tackypallooza

After experiencing some mild peer pressure I've decided to cave and join the Tackypallooza challenge, a contest to find the most ridiculously tacky image available on the interwebs. You asked for it people! Feast your eyes on this:


I'm glad you asked... Yes I do believe those are two dragons DP-ing the exhaust pipes on a purple car. The image may have been redacted, but I think you crazy kids can still see the intent through the subtle positioning of horny green dragon and "hung like a horse" brown dragon. Now if you'll excuse me I need to go and perform a frontal lobotomy on myself...

Tuesday, 6 January 2009

100

So I've just come back from the interview. I can't really tell you how it went because I don't want to jinx myself, but I did talk a lot. Let's just say it went better than this:



Anyway, this is my 100th post!

That is all...

Monday, 5 January 2009

Life is like a box of condoms...


So I'm on pins and needles today because I have a BIG job interview tomorrow and need to become smart, competent and charming overnight, after having been on 'energy saving mode' for the last week. It's good to feel this excited about something again although it does mean that I'm a bit on edge now. I found myself inwardly cursing the slow people in front of me on my way to work this morning and I had to refrain from rolling my eyes and sighing loudly with discontent like the twelve year old I secretly am. I mean, I get that cycling on ice might be a bit frightening for some, but if you're too scared to pick up speed, just take the bloody bus already! It's the hesitation that'll make you fall (or other people's irratic movements, or breaking, and corners of course).

I personally find the possibility of a crippling nose dive exhilarating. Especially when I get to watch other people involuntarily kiss a face full of pavement. That is not very nice of me I know, but I've provided the world with my fair share of clumsy and painful moments so I don't have to feel guilty when I laugh at the old lady who accidentally gets hit in the head with a frisbee, or the beautiful bride with bird crap in her hair.

I remember experiencing the most perfect moment of Schadenfreude on my ski-trip last year. We'd had a great day on the slopes and were enjoying hot rum, good food and bad jokes at an outdoor bar when our bliss was suddenly tainted by the ugly cries of a spoiled fat kid and his overbearing fussfaced mother. The little snot was apparently unimpressed by the perfect snow, clear sky and lush banquet in front of him, because he was throwing a temper tantrum that would make Shannen Doherty blush. I was just about to hurl my ski boot at his unsightly face when the magic happened. A giant slab of fluffy snow suddenly slid from the roof turning him and his high chair into a giant frozen popsicle. Ha! Naturally he cried even harder after that but it was still totally worth it.

Of course having said all that, and knowing my luck, I probably just succesfully jinxed my journey home and ensured that I have to do the interview with a broken nose and a busted lip. After all: Life is like a box of condoms. Smelly, uncomfortable, and you never know what you're going to get (when the fuckers inevitably break).

* That being said, even though condoms are a hassle, they are a nececety and the fare is very much worth the ride. So kids: "don't be daft, wrap your shaft!"

Sunday, 4 January 2009

Screw the poor!

Every country has nutjobs like these and the worst part is, people actually vote for them! Making evil look silly, here's Rick Mayall with a highly quotable speech from "the New Statesman";

Saturday, 3 January 2009

Mercy

Today protesters all over the world marched against the Israeli bombings of Gaza. I wasn't one of them, but I agree that we should condemn these violent attacks which are costing many innocents their lives. The state of Isreal has the right to try and protect its citizens, but it continues to abuse its military powers to needlesly punish the Palestinian people and aggravate a conflict that already seems too complex to solve.

There is much sympathy in the West for the problems the Israeli government faces, especially in this age of fundamentalist terrorism and islamophobia, but at some point they have to be held accountable for their inhumane treatment of the Palestinians. There is no doubt that there are those that seek the destruction of Isreal and I am not trying to belittle that fact, but to pull out the old cliché; two wrongs can't make a right. Being critical of Israeli actions does not mean you are anti semitic, it means you view the state of Isreal as a mature and civilised nation that needs to behave as such.

For too long the international guilt over the holocaust has coloured our vision of the Isreali/Palestinian conflict, but the lesson that we apparently learned from those atrocious crimes is the wrong one. We should not strive just to protect our own, we should always keep the humanity of others in mind, and weigh our interests to those of the people around us. If you base your decisions solely on your own interests and the outcome results in something that is unacceptable to those around you, you can be sure that trouble is ahead. Fundamentalism and terrorism flourish only where nothing else does. Give the Palestinians a chance to build something resembling a decent living and they will fight to protect what they have. Against political instability, against violence, against terrorism. But they will need something to lose first...

Friday, 2 January 2009