Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Ten reasons why life is too great to worry about sucky people!


This morning I woke up and decided to preemptively brighten a friend's dreary tuesday at work, because she's been in a bit of a bad break up funk lately. I emailed her ten reasons why life is too beautiful to be sad about mentally unstable manfolk, but if you are a straight male, feel free to change certain (body) parts to match your heart's desire.

1. Friends. The natural number one on the list and a beautiful phenomenon. You have a lot of them, and yours just happen to be very sweet, and funny, and great company. If a void is left in your life, just fill it with friends and you can be sure that only good things will come of it.

2. Being young and hot. This one is tricky, because the liquid evil known as your hormones might try to fill your head with the lying self image of a fat old troll. Don't believe it! You are a drop dead gorgeous spring chicken and also sex on a stick. Anyone claiming otherwise is a jealous, lying snot!

3. The weekend. Ah, the real reason us civilians endure our hellish working week is that tingly feeling we get when friday afternoon comes around. The giddyness, the bad jokes and the anticipation of things to come. Sleeping 'till noon, parties and good times with great people you've chosen yourself.

4. Food. Wheter it's a bowl of Ben & Jerry's with a bad movie, a three course meal with a hot date, or the divine eggs and bacon on a hungover morning, food rules! How it tastes, how it looks, how it smells. Yum! And since we are supposed adults, we can eat whatever we want, whenever we want!

5. Penises. It doesn't matter if you collect them, or have enjoyed only a small selection of favourites under your belt, they make your life better. These ultimate joysticks, which are, hopefully, attached to a great guy, are designed by nature to give women pleasure. Who are you to deny nature?

6. Sports. Doesn't it feel great to push yourself around on the field (the only place left where you can truly play like a child) or in the gym and then to get in a hot shower and feel that nice, satisfied, glowing in your muscles? Knowing that all the uglyness that naturally lives in our bodies (aggression, frustration, back fat) has been released in a healthy way.

7. Bitching, moaning and gossiping. Sometimes it feels so good to just let yourself go for a moment and snarl away like you're a surly, constipated geriatric and everythings sucks. Also great; talking smack about people who act even worse than you do. No matter how bad you get, you can rest in the knowledge that there is always a bigger moron out there (usually me).

8. Beauty. This one might seem a bit soft, but beauty is all around us. In music, books and films, but also in the little things. In the crisp winter air, in riding your bike down the street while the sun is reflected in the canals (okay maybe that one just works for me, but I'm sure you catch my drift). It's in the eyes of the people who care about you. In hope, in strength, in love, in you.

9. Humour. It's the life raft on which sanity floats, in a sea of injustice, pain and uglyness. No matter how bad things get, there's bound to be a brilliant punchline in there somewhere. Dare to laugh yourself and your fate in the face, and you will be a stronger, happier and funnier person for it.

10. Love. You got to taste what it feels like to truly be in love and it was taken away from you. This love may be over, but your love life is not. I am convinced there is someone (actually there might be several) out there with everything to give, who only needs to find someone like you to love. Until you meet, 1 through 9 are still very much worth the fuss.

It isn't the list I would have written for myself, but it's still a pretty good list of reasons not to be unhappy, and that was what I was going for. It's just too bad that the stuff that makes you want to hurl yourself off a cliff is usually funnier...

Obstinate Frenchies ram British nuclear sub, are snotty about it



You know how people tell you that "what you don't know could fill a book". Ha! Talk about euphemisms... There's a frightening quantity of areas where my expertise is non existant, but thankfully I never let that prevent me from having an opinion on the subject. Take submarines for instance. I honestly haven't the foggiest (besides what you can learn from watching "Under Siege"). But it would seem to me that if you're going to be roaming the oceans in a metal tube containing nuclear warheads, that it might make sense to tell your friends about it. You know, so you don't accidentally slam into them and create a nuclear disaster...

How fucking stupid is that? A nuclear power, bound by friendly political alliances, international agreements and supposed shared national values can't be bothered to let it's atomic teammates know when it is sending WMD's on a pleasure cruise through international waters (even though this is common practice amongst NATO allies), because they are France and the rules don't apply to them. I think that stinks! It stinks like their delicious smelly smelly cheeses (yeah I went there). The French need to realise that they are no longer the superpower of yore, and have to play nice with the other kids in the European sandbox (as do the British for that matter).

The diplomatic world stage may have better days ahead with Obama kissing the boo-boos of past scoffings, but especially in these times of economic squalor, everbody is looking out for number one. No European country on it's own will be able to change much for the better, because the gravitas of military and economic power still lies elsewhere. That is why I truly believe that the European Union has the future of Europe. Politically, economically and even militarily. But for European integration to really work, a change of mentally is needed. If the bigger countries keep viewing the Union itself as a competing power and allow old world chauvinism to have a place in foreign policy, then the Union won't flourish. And neither will they.

Thursday, 12 February 2009

The truth about crap

Sometimes I think The Onion has completely lost the funny, and then they go and post something like this...

Thursday, 5 February 2009

The indolent patient


I feel like rubbish on toast, I smell like mould (at least I think I do, the vast amounts of mucus that keep erupting from my face prevent my nose from performing it's usual duties), and to top it all off, I look like death. I've diagnosed myself with "Screaming Bubonic Typhoid Ebolaflu" and am awaiting certain death. Goodbye cruel world!

...

Okay, so I may be exaggerating slightly, but this is the first time in days that I actually feel well enough to complain. Welcome to my pity party people, bring your own whine.

I promise to snap out of this funk post haste, as soon as my body returns to work. In the meantime here's the lovely Russel Howard with his own endearing and hilarious brand of stand up comedy.