Monday, 14 December 2009

Dear cancer,

I'll keep this brief, because if this thing turns out to be your doing, you're going to need a head start. I'm fairly confident the lump in my mum's neck isn't going to be cancerous, because let's face it, if it is... Dude! You are SO screwed!

Have you learned nothing from last time? You really don't remember who you're messing with, do you? The woman on the other side of the boxing ring not only has the willpower of 25 Mandelas and the ass-whooping abilities of a 1000 Buffys, but do you see who are behind her? That's right suckah! It's medical science, the complete staff of one of the best oncological institutions in the world, and the love and support of everyone my mother has ever met. Why, you ask? Because she has a huge heart and people actually like her. As opposed to yourself cancer. Nobody likes you. You're ugly and you smell funny. Who's in your corner huh? Oh right, death... Well, I'm pretty sure he won't try to come near my mum anytime soon. He's probably still hurting from the last time she laughed his bony butt out the room.

Yeah so maybe you've won a few battles against people who clearly deserved better, because you're a heinous weasel and you fight dirty. But guess what? She doesn't give a flying fuck! This is the woman who literally pumped her veins full of radioactive fluid just so she could watch you cry. She allowed herself to be gutted like a fish, just so they could take out all the nasty little bits you touched. I've seen her do it! She's completely bonkers and she will eff, your, shit, up! Do you really want that much crazy on your ass again? Don't even try it man, you'll lose! She'll whipe the floor with you (and the walls, and possibly the ceiling. She's very thorough that way...).

You're starting to look a little pale there cancer. You know what, I'll cut you a deal. If you make it so the doctors won't find any of your dirty fingerprints on friday, maybe I can persuade her to let you off the hook. Just this once.
That's right, back away now, we're done here. Yeah you'd better run. Be afraid cancer. Be very afraid...