But first let us speak of the biggest distraction in my life since I learned that boys also suck in a good way, the World Cup. It's like a bloody soap opera this year. It's full of drama, gossip, backstabbing and spectacular failure. And I for one am laughing my head off at all the poncy pillocks who are crying "woe is me" whilst blowing their noses in hundred euro bills.
Take Cristiano Ronaldo for instance. That guy can suck my shingles. I loved how he was tripping over his own feet all over the pitch in search of a free kick, just to be completely ignored by every single referee he crossed. After the Portuguese knock out he was quoted saying "I'm broken, frustrated and unbelievably sad". Well boo fucking hoo dude, maybe you should've tried playing football instead of demanding your teammates to serve up scoring opportunities on a silver platter.
And then of course there's mister Fifa himself Joseph "respect my authoritah" Blatter. That guy must have elephantiasis balls to be able to spew that much self-aggrandizing word poop and still claim to be a servant of fair play. I saw him in an old television interview where he explained his objections to the video referee, saying it was "too complicated", because there would have to be "cables dug in, all around the field". I could see how an intricate technical endeavour like that might be over his leather head, but if you see the technical skill and ability displayed in the new stadiums built by Fifa you know the excuse is laughable. After the French selection acted like a bunch of very spoilt children, and were sent home by South Africa, the shamed ex-coach and resigned chairman of the French Football Association were summoned by French parliament. This fact was ridiculous enough in itself. The World Cup has been keeping me pretty occupied, but even I know it's just a game. And to say the French government has bigger problems would be a massive understatement. But predictably, Blatter got his knickers in a knot and announced that "French parliament had no jurisdiction over the French Football Association". Let's reverse that for a moment shall we? Fifa has no fucking jurisdiction over the French government you narcissistic dimwitted blowhard! And while we're at it, take your corrupt monster of an organisation, go swim in your tainted money and stop ruining football!
Okay, rant over. Now the anxiety for the Dutch game against the Brazillians tomorrow can start. I know I shouldn't get my hopes up, but who knows? Maybe this time the 'lions' will finally take the 'Canaries'. If so. Two words; "Orange Orgy".
As for this clip, I know "the best thing to happen to the internet since free boobies" is a lot to promise, but trust me. The video below is sheer genius and watching it may be the most cathartic ten minutes of your life. I wouldn't recommend watching it at work though, because you might very well end up accidentally cursing your boss into the ground and having to get a shittier job than Jack Abramoff.
Via Pajiba here's Harry Hanrahan's montage of